Bright white faces, flashes of colour and low sounds. It's like we can't help it, every chance we get. Scroll, scroll, scroll. She's sleeping, outside. I envy her. Eldest on his Gameboy, Thrap-thrapping on the A and B button. We sit opposite one another, screens in hand. Scroll, scroll, scroll. Pause.. save or screenshot. Scroll, … Continue reading Lights.
And you can't imagine how it might feel, To live trapped inside a broken mind. Spinning around in ferocious, meaningless circles, Faster, faster. Useless. Fat. Guilty. Unworthy. Failure. Disgusting. Thoughts of all the ways you would love to stand out, And of all the ways you simply need to disappear. Thinking of a million, beautiful reasons to … Continue reading Shackles.
It's thirty one days, since I spoke to someone else. My observation doesn't mean you're not enough, it means you're all I have. Your eyes dart to desirable cars, glazed over, disinterested. I stop speaking. I sigh. A painful, heavy sigh. The language is coming slowly, but the confidence won't follow. Cancelled plans. Ignored and … Continue reading Thirty one days.
Sex in the dark, breathing in. Sleeping at awkward angles. Cramped up arms and back. Shallow breathing brings relief. Alarm rings. Groundhog Day. Baggy clothes to hide in. Tied up hair and shades. Peeing with the door open, shush-shushing to wipe. Nap time and coffee. Social media blues. Work trip inadequacies. Jealousy. Anger. Regret. … Continue reading Tired.
Rolling out of bed, baby in my arms, it's 10am. We didn't sleep, he knew that, and he left us in bed. The floor is swept, the bin is empty. I smile, those small things tell silently that he loves me. I put on my dressing gown. I know we will mostly be alone today, … Continue reading Wednesday.
I get out of the car and they're on me in seconds, beady and blue. They scan up and down, back up again. Wide, eager, nervous. Blinking rapidly now. Confusion seems to follow. Still fat, and yet, at ease? I feel them find the regrowth of my hair, the tufts of natural mousey hair sprouting … Continue reading Eyes.
And I wish people understood how it feels to look in the mirror, to get real close, and experience the deep rooted horror of knowing you can't change what you see looking back. Sure, you can make it thinner, change the colour of the hair upon it, but the stature and the shape and the … Continue reading Dysmorphia. (Trigger warning)
I made it. I've been away, for a while. The writing became too painful, and the words weren't helping me to cope - they had lost their magic. I didn't write for attention or recognition. Know that I didn't write for you. Not for your thumbs up, or loveheart shaped like. I wrote to survive. … Continue reading Rebirth.
I stare at you across the table. When did I stop being excited by how much you're growing? When did your milestones become more expected than exciting? Why is parenting so hard? You have been through so much, this year. I see it on you, and I feel the pain with you. It is a … Continue reading Son.
The only ones awake at 3am, are the loved.. And the lonely. Love. The bursts of excitement and intrigue that being newly in love brings are incomparable to anything else that I have ever experienced. The enthralment, the jittery thrill of waiting for a reply, of arranging when to next meet. The sighs of contentment, … Continue reading Small Hours.