Lights.

Bright white faces, flashes of colour and low sounds.  It's like we can't help it, every chance we get.  Scroll, scroll, scroll. She's sleeping, outside.  I envy her.  Eldest on his Gameboy,  Thrap-thrapping on the A and B button.  We sit opposite one another, screens in hand.  Scroll, scroll, scroll.  Pause.. save or screenshot. Scroll, … Continue reading Lights.

Shackles. 

And you can't imagine how it might feel,  To live trapped inside a broken mind.  Spinning around in ferocious, meaningless circles,  Faster, faster.  Useless.  Fat. Guilty. Unworthy. Failure. Disgusting. Thoughts of all the ways you would love to stand out,  And of all the ways you simply need to disappear.  Thinking of a million, beautiful reasons to … Continue reading Shackles. 

Tired.

Sex in the dark, breathing in.  Sleeping at awkward angles. Cramped up arms and back.  Shallow breathing brings relief. Alarm rings.  Groundhog Day. Baggy clothes to hide in.  Tied up hair and shades.  Peeing with the door open, shush-shushing to  wipe.  Nap time and coffee.  Social media blues. Work trip inadequacies.   Jealousy.  Anger.  Regret.  … Continue reading Tired.

Eyes.

I get out of the car and they're on me in seconds, beady and blue.  They scan up and down, back up again.  Wide, eager, nervous. Blinking rapidly now.  Confusion seems to follow.  Still fat, and yet, at ease? I feel them find the regrowth of my hair, the tufts of natural mousey hair sprouting … Continue reading Eyes.

Venom.

Recovery is not linear. Some days she just won't be quiet.  Some days she just will not leave me alone...  "Don't even think about breakfast, you fat bastard".  "How could you let yourself get here?"  "ALL those fucking pounds you lost and for what, to eat your way back to this?" "People are expecting you … Continue reading Venom.

1987.

Today is the 19th of April 2017 and it is the last day of my twenties. I am even with the bad days, so clear, so awake and so fucking alive as I approach the 'big' 3-0.  I wanted to float in a written piece through my third decade - so I might never forget what … Continue reading 1987.