Bright white faces, flashes of colour and low sounds. It's like we can't help it, every chance we get. Scroll, scroll, scroll. She's sleeping, outside. I envy her. Eldest on his Gameboy, Thrap-thrapping on the A and B button. We sit opposite one another, screens in hand. Scroll, scroll, scroll. Pause.. save or screenshot. Scroll, … Continue reading Lights.
And I wish it didn't cripple me, the way it seems to do. The shame and fear of wanting to leave, but not knowing where to go. Of understanding fragments of conversation, but not enough to feel included or alive. Like a toddler, always waiting for cues and words to solve the puzzle. The kids … Continue reading Hanging.
And you can't imagine how it might feel, To live trapped inside a broken mind. Spinning around in ferocious, meaningless circles, Faster, faster. Useless. Fat. Guilty. Unworthy. Failure. Disgusting. Thoughts of all the ways you would love to stand out, And of all the ways you simply need to disappear. Thinking of a million, beautiful reasons to … Continue reading Shackles.
It's thirty one days, since I spoke to someone else. My observation doesn't mean you're not enough, it means you're all I have. Your eyes dart to desirable cars, glazed over, disinterested. I stop speaking. I sigh. A painful, heavy sigh. The language is coming slowly, but the confidence won't follow. Cancelled plans. Ignored and … Continue reading Thirty one days.
Sex in the dark, breathing in. Sleeping at awkward angles. Cramped up arms and back. Shallow breathing brings relief. Alarm rings. Groundhog Day. Baggy clothes to hide in. Tied up hair and shades. Peeing with the door open, shush-shushing to wipe. Nap time and coffee. Social media blues. Work trip inadequacies. Jealousy. Anger. Regret. … Continue reading Tired.
Rolling out of bed, baby in my arms, it's 10am. We didn't sleep, he knew that, and he left us in bed. The floor is swept, the bin is empty. I smile, those small things tell silently that he loves me. I put on my dressing gown. I know we will mostly be alone today, … Continue reading Wednesday.
I get out of the car and they're on me in seconds, beady and blue. They scan up and down, back up again. Wide, eager, nervous. Blinking rapidly now. Confusion seems to follow. Still fat, and yet, at ease? I feel them find the regrowth of my hair, the tufts of natural mousey hair sprouting … Continue reading Eyes.
Recovery is not linear. Some days she just won't be quiet. Some days she just will not leave me alone... "Don't even think about breakfast, you fat bastard". "How could you let yourself get here?" "ALL those fucking pounds you lost and for what, to eat your way back to this?" "People are expecting you … Continue reading Venom.
I understand it, now. I can relate to the distraction, I can relate to the impatience. The anger, the make up and raised voices. I can relate to the pulling of your clothes at the middle when you look in a mirror. The way you'd smooth down your stomach and do that thump against … Continue reading Message to my mother.
Today is the 19th of April 2017 and it is the last day of my twenties. I am even with the bad days, so clear, so awake and so fucking alive as I approach the 'big' 3-0. I wanted to float in a written piece through my third decade - so I might never forget what … Continue reading 1987.